February 2010
January 2010
I can feel my soul begin to go internal, and I can feel my body becoming more useless to me as everything just gets empty. I know the feeling, I’ve been here before and it isnt a fun place. Human interactions become less of a pleasure and more of a chore and effort to try and come off as everything is alright when im screaming inside, asking for someone to just let me cry onto them.
The day...
I feel as though my heart has died.
11:11, 9:11
Why is it that these times always always always occur in my day? Everyday, seriously no joke for months and months and months and sometimes i just start laughing at it because I feel like I’m going insane because it happens so much.
so I did research.
“Uri Geller, who has been experiencing 11:11 for over 15 years, claims that people who witness this phenomenon have a mission to...
http://www.azteccalendar.com/ →
Every day I look at this to figure out what today will be like according to the mayan calendar. Every singllle day, and sometimes its scary about how close the deities and energies are to how my day is going, or how everyones day is going that I meet. At first glance its probably a bunch of mumbojumbo, but if you know how to read it and such, its so interesting!
What would you say if I secretly loved you? What would your face look like, how would your body react. Would your cheeks fill up with red? Would you look to the ground? Fumble with your words or play with your keys. What would you say back to me? Would you reject me harshly or kindly, or would you feel the same way.
What fun things to think.
The thing is I write everyone letters, everyone. Exept I dont send them or give out half of them because I’m scared of the reactions of them, I’m scared of them knowing the truth. When I’m alone and thinking or feeling somehting for someone that I know I can’t just say, I write it down. My notebook is full of letters to different people.
They’re mostly love letters...
Its obvious you like her.
It’s everywhere.
Understanding doesnt mean that im not pissed off. I was really excited for this, really excited, looking forward to it and it sucks to know you tell me were going to hangout, you seem interested in going than you just drop it. It would have hurt less if you just instantly told me no. Both of you dont want to go because of the male interest and it just sucks to be ditched and be left alone because...
Eben camp parties always come at the best times of my life.
You get angry and pissy and the way you talk makes me angry. I love you more than anything, but sometimes you make my skin crawl away from me and I begin loosing my mind. Your ignorant and untrustworthy, emotional, hard to read, ignorant ignorant ignorant. You’re beautiful but to me you begin to smudge and erase and your beauty becomes your enemy and I dont understand you, you dont...
I feel like hanging out with everyboody and nobody. I feel like going exploring and adventuring, but I dont know who to go with.
I reallly dont like your boyfriend
Tax return.
Ill be getting around 340 dollars. I think I’ll use this money to buy my first tattoo. Now I just have to decide on one.
I feel like I dont know what to do with myself. There are lists and lists and lists of things and I cant put them in order enough to choose which i want to do first. Yesturday was nice, kawtar and I killed time by thinking of a million things to do around town. Its funny, usually people cant find somehting to do, but when you have 6 hours to kill and dont have a house to go to, you just go for...
Its my 12th day away from home. Elises parents have let me know my welcome is being overstayed so ill be moving around a bit for the next week or so. Kawtar and Samantha have graciously told me i can stay whenever I would like too, and that is the nicest thing. I feel my my friends are the best around, they’re helping me so much and I cant put into words how thankful I am for them.
Its...
My turn.
Its been a week and a day since I ran away from home. I’m never online anymore because there is barely online for me anymore. I’ve been staying with Elise and her parents, they’ve been so so so nice and generous. My mom calls me everyday and hearing her cry gets really hard to listen to.
But living in a house with a man that thinks he can threaten someone like that isnt a place...
Packed all the important things of my life in two bags, and bringing them all to samanthas new apartment. Best day?
I think this is the point that I just give up on highschool.
I want to go to goodwill.
I want to paint on my walls.
I want to make some of the tea I just bought.
I should be doing homework.
I’m not even doing any of these things.
I think I'm missing.
theboynamedcaptain:
I don’t feel like I’m really here. I feel like I’m starting to get back into the winter rut. I need life support. Ineed music, and I need food, and I need people, and I need colors all the time. I’m moving into zombie autopilot. Things don’t taste the same as they do in summer. I guess this is the beginning of my hibernation
Lets help eachother get through this winter,...
Sometimes I get sad because I feel so lost. Lost in a sense of in the world, in my head, where I am, where I’m going. I feel cluttered with the chaos of all the things I think about in a day. I feel like an open book that people read the first page of, and put down to possibly pick up later.
Last year was the craziest and overwhelming year of my life. The people ive run into have pulled me...
Bon Iver is such a classic artist you cry too, especially in his album For Emma. I feel like I have to be careful listening to him, because theres a good chance I’ll start crying in the middle of one of his songs.
Being able to paint my room is probably the best gift I’ve gotten. I’m excited to see how the hell this room will look in like a year.
BAXTERS TONIGHT.
I use to dye my hair like the shit didnt matter. I havn’t dyed my hair in months and I’m not contemplating putting a bleach streak somewhere in there, for a nice change of pace. I use to use dying my hair as a way of changing my life and the way I was, maybe it will help me move forward in right direction?
Not sure, what do you think?
CD, MS, AM, CJ, RN, MH, AR
RESOLUTIONS
Follow the path that makes me happiest.
Be more open and friendly with people
Develop myself more as the person I want to be
Grow my hair long and beautiful
Go to the gym more
Find peace within myself
Lastnight: an array of wonderful and crazy things happening in every corner of my night.
I’m glad I ended up going to the Menchers, it was a ton of fun. I ended up sleeping there and walking back at 8 in morning. I woke up at 3, and dont feel to good but I’m going out to eat with Elise to help me feel better.
2009 was an intense year for me, lets soo what 2010 has to hold.